Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Nov. 8 - Has anything traumatic ever happened to you? Describe the scenes surrounding a particular event.

No, my life has been fifty-three years of uninterrupted bliss.

The problem with this question is:  What would normal people consider traumatic?  A car accident; being the victim of a violent crime; witnessing a murder?  No, no, and no.  How would one know an event was traumatic?  Is there a physical symptom of emotional trauma?  Is it that feeling of your heart stopping, your breath catching in your throat, the rush of adrenaline prompting Fight or Flight?  Yeah, I've had that.  The dictionary on my computer is specific - "traumatic" relates to the psychological, not the physical (i.e., trauma).  Is it significant that I had to look it up?

I could describe my current state of being in response to this prompt.  Traumatic - emotionally disturbing or distressing.  It's not exactly disturbing or distressing, though; in a way, it's comforting and enlightening.  I'm not prepared to discuss it with anyone yet, though I've got some books in mind for my first Kindle purchases.

About 10 years ago, I started on the road to recovery from co-dependency/ACA, with the help of a therapist and some 12-step meetings.  The process of peeling away the denial that protected me was excruciating: I described it as akin to the debridement burn victims must endure to heal.  That was traumatic.  My identity stripped away, and I was left with the sure knowledge that I had no idea who I was; a co-dependent has no sense of self.  I've drifted along in a semi-healed state for ten years now.  My ACA meeting disbanded, and I've not found another.  I've looked on the internet, but chicken out before attending.  Groups are SO HARD for me; human relationships too daunting.

Which brings me to today.  I'm exploring the very distinct possibility that I have Asperger Syndrome.  I'm fairly certain my 24 y.o. daughter has it as well.  It would explain a lot.  More on the topic in the future.

No comments:

Post a Comment